No, You Don't Need a Significant Other
No, You Don't Need a Significant Other
"To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do." - 1st Corinthians 7:8 (RSV)
To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do.
1st Corinthians 7:8, Revised Standard Version
Being a young-ish adult in the Orthodox Church and operating an online community around Orthodoxy1, I notice many (including myself) who are rightfully concerned with their vocations in life. Of course, life carries multiple vocations, but a big concern is the vocation of marriage vs. the vocation of celibacy (whether monastic or lay). Many people come into Orthodoxy, realizing that a lot of their cohort is already married or otherwise in a relationship, and the pickings are slim, which draws panic in and challenges the ideals one has for one’s life. However, for many reasons, an ever-growing number of people revolve their life’s success (if it were) and happiness by their relationship status.
As for a few disclaimers: If this post has seemingly struck a nerve in you, then it’s likely that it was written with you in mind (even if indirectly) and that you should contemplate the things I’ll outline here. I’m not a life/love coach, but I am a married man with a child, and a perspective from someone in this life is sorely needed.
Why you feel the way you do, and why it isn’t your fault
I am not so detached from the upbringing that many people younger than myself are in. The 2010s were merely the beginning of the new level of sexualization that now permeates pop culture. As “artists” come and go, they push boundaries further on what to publicly display for consumption vs. what to keep private. While many of us may still carry a notion of rightfully categorizing sexual topics away from general discourse, the world we live in increasingly encourages us to do the opposite. We label it “liberation,” being less prudish, or even being authentic to ourselves.
As we live in our all-you-can-see buffet that is society, we quickly lose sight of the adverse outcomes directly caused by this hypersexualization. When we come face-to-face with the symptoms, we blame society not for the buffet’s existence but because it was not as plentiful as we needed. We ignore the utter dystopia and instead occupy ourselves with why this dystopia has seemingly satisfied many of those around us but not us.
When we are unable to have the outdoor buffet satiate us, we turn to the indoor, where pornography gives us the equivalent of a bag of snacks - something to at least hold us off, if only for a little while. First, it becomes a small treat, and then we begin to realize more and more that the snack drawer is infinite, with all sorts of flavors and intensities. We, too, become blinded here, unaware of the neurological effects of porn consumption. We may leave our indoor buffets and begin viewing those around us with the same set of eyes that see people like them undressed, performing soulless imitations of intimate acts. The people we see in person need not dress scantily; we infer by body shape or proportions. We fabricate realities in our heads where we find our appetites addressed by them and go along our way.
It’s evident that such gluttony, symbolic or natural, is a direct contributor to lust, as attested to by church fathers. St. John of the Ladder in The Ladder of Divine Ascent inextricably ties sexual desire to the desire for food.
Step 14
On the clamorous, yet wicked master — the stomach.
#5
Satiety in food is the father of fornication; but mortification of the stomach is an agent of purity.
#10
As long as the flesh is still lusty, let us observe temperance at all times and in every place. When it has been pacified (which I do not suppose is possible this side of the grave), then let us hide our accomplishment.
#19
The mind of a faster prays soberly, but the mind of an intemperate person is filled with impure idols [or images].
#21
He who cherishes his stomach and hopes to overcome the spirit of fornication, is like one who tries to put out a fire with oil.
#29 (emphasis my own)
If you have promised Christ to go by the strait and narrow way, restrain your stomach, because by pleasing it and enlarging it, you break your contract. Attend and you will hear Him who says: "Spacious and broad is the way of gluttony that leads to the perdition of fornication, and many there are who go in by it; because narrow is the gate and hard is the way of fasting that leads to the life of purity, and few there are who go in by it."
#33
Fasting is the coercion of nature and the cutting out of everything that delights the palate, the prevention of lust, the uprooting of bad thoughts, deliverance from dreams, purity of prayer, the light of the soul, the guarding of the mind, deliverance from blindness, the door of compunction, humble sighing, glad contrition, a lull in chatter, a means to silence, a guard of obedience, lightening of sleep, health of body, agent of dispassion, remission of sins, the gate of Paradise and its delight.
In this metaphorical sense, we desire satiety of two appetites: our physical appetite for food and our appetite for companionship. These appetites are good in and of themselves and serve a God-ordained purpose. Still, just like how we choose to be frivolous in consuming food (whether in quality or quantity), we become frivolous in companionship, seeking to fulfill the desire outside the intended context.
Beyond the societal, there are cultural expectations. Many cultures, significantly beyond the West, tie a person’s intrinsic value to their relationships. Like their parents, parents expect their children to succeed by having a spouse and children. If that person doesn’t have a spouse going into their mid-20s and onward, it becomes a weight held over their head. “Why don’t you have a wife? Why haven’t you given us grandchildren?” amongst other cultural expectations of wealth and productivity.
For better or worse, the West has deemphasized the importance of a spouse and children in one’s life. On the one hand, it is good that a person’s worth is not determined by whether they are successful in finding a partner (or even having the sociability to do that). Still, on the other, it turns into antinatalism, a topic for another time. Regardless, there is, to an extent, this expectation of finding “the one,” the “soulmate2” that God made for you and you for them - that they’re out there somewhere just waiting to be stumbled upon, triggered by whatever entropy you’re fortunate to find yourself in or, worse, “manifested” by well-wishing, hope, and intent. “Manifesting” is not isolated to pagans and SBNRs3; some Christian groups have a Christian-painted version of it, particularly among evangelicals and those in the Word of Faith movement4.
And for those who have had relationships
In a life context where ideal body shapes et al., are constantly thrown in our faces, we realize either by necessity or self-awareness that these forms (in a Platonic sense) are unrealistic or unattainable. With whatever intention, we rightfully adjust our expectations to pursue a relationship with another. A pinch of luck later, and we roll the dice to a relationship with someone. They check off our boxes (whether we’ve redefined the boxes for them or not), things like:
Level-headedness (or lack thereof?)
Shared moral/ethical values
Similar tastes in culture
But especially emotional availability
These things are necessary in a relationship, but emotional availability can become an idol. A ubiquitous symptom of those in this struggle is the inclination toward codependency. For those unaware, codependency is the excessive reliance on a partner, usually caused by previous traumas or fears of isolation. It expresses itself in an obsession around their partner’s emotional availability, like overanalyzing tone in text messages or being quick to find fault in oneself or their partner over ultimately trivial things. It can also express itself in insecurity, like your partner having friends of the same sex or the fear that you may be inferior to most other people of your sex5.
Codependency, to put it bluntly, is a poison to relationships. Suppose this remains ignored or otherwise not addressed (even if incompletely). In that case, finding the greater meaning in companionship can be incredibly challenging as you would be constantly preoccupied with the thoughts of failure before there’s even a risk. Similar unrealistic standards surround many people in my generation that, in turn, can project this notion of us being inferior because we aren’t like other people on Instagram or other social media who are seemingly stable and living happy lives - but let’s be honest, not many people are eager to share the problematic or even mundane moments of their lives.
Finally
It is good and acceptable to have the desire for companionship. Paul instructs the Corinthians (and us, by extension) to marry rather than burn in the passions, so it may be your vocation to marry if you lack the self-control required in celibacy. Discerning is a process; you should allow yourself to discover your calling. Even monks face sexual temptation6, and being married doesn’t provide you with a complete remedy to your struggle. There is no silver bullet; every vocation has its cross.
Things you may be experiencing and how to move away from them.
If the buffet analogy applies to you, consider why we seek to artificially satiate our appetites instead of questioning why the buffet exists in the first place. To bring back the appetite comparison, we do not find satiety for hunger in watching people cook and eat, so why do we seek satiety for companionship in crude simulations of sex? If we hunger and opt to watch cooking videos, it isn’t the case that we will be fulfilled and able to put off eating for a period. If anything, we become more hungry and try to fulfill that urge with the real thing: food. Yet, we don’t do this for the sexual appetite. We find the simulation filling; we learn that we don’t need to find the real thing because the simulation reinforces itself. The dissonance between the two is apparent; we need to break from the buffet of sexual fulfillment. Even in a secular sense, there is nothing of value in what it offers. It offers only promises of fulfillment, what it doesn’t have, to get you to join the buffet, get hooked, and encourage others to do the same.
Now, before you think, “Well, it isn’t actually a simulation; there’s more than porn,” think about what else there is. All that exists in the buffet beyond the absolute simulation of pornography is the poor imitation of companionship found in hookup culture. It doesn’t have to be Tinder arrangements or one-night stands. Any fornication where sex occurs between unmarried persons is an imitation of sex in the proper context of married, committed people. There is no absolute stability to be found in it, no context in which you can realize the deeper meanings of wholesome sexual relations. We fool ourselves into thinking this is satiating because it genuinely isn’t. We can’t be confident that we are fulfilling this communion with someone who will abide when struggle arrives, especially when we struggle with each other.
We partake in full communion with another person in two ways. The first is in the Eucharist, where we spiritually and physically unite to Christ. The second is in sex, where we wholly unite with our partner in this same way. But just as we participate in the Eucharistic life, living in commitment to God, we too must live in commitment to a spouse to fully realize the communion we partake in by the sexual act. To do otherwise is a waste because we don’t exist in the context to comprehend and maintain the unity we experience; it reduces our communion to a vain attempt to unite with someone, receiving none of the benefits of the act.
You may feel tortured by your singlehood and feel deficient by not having a partner. You may struggle with the passions of the flesh and have yet to be able to manage the sexual appetite within you, wondering why God has not helped you in this plight by not providing a spouse. You may feel that life is less valuable without this companionship. You may think the solution is gym gains or material wealth, as if most people are superficial and only get into relationships with people with “successful marketing practices.” You may scorn the opposite sex, reducing them to objects or brainless figures, “NPCs7.” You may find yourself associating with movements like incels8 or MGTOWs9, or at the very least, indulging in ideas of gender separatism.
Whatever the case may be, your experiences and understandings of relationships have likely become distorted to the point where you approach them with this pre-existing context of how they’re meant to operate, thus creating a negative feedback loop whereby your attempts to keep the relationship stable (according to what you have learned or inferred from others) is the very thing that makes it unstable. You may notice this in whether you find yourself obsessively scrutinizing things that would otherwise be relatively mundane, thinking that your partner does not see you the way you see them (a projection of your self-esteem), and looking for the nearest exit out of the relationship, or trying to see whether there are behavioral patterns that line up with that of undesirable partners. You may have the temptation to pre-determine the outcome of your relationship: doomed to fail from the beginning or be doomed to fail when you encounter any resistance or difficulty. Your relationship becomes less about an organic, healthy, freely-loving partnership and more about a rigorous structure that demands strict adherence, lest it fails and you plunge yourself further into the abyss. A relationship like this is a projection of depression, the unwillingness to take risks, and the unwillingness to put emotional stock into someone because of an inability to handle any negative ROI.
This article isn’t an indictment, and if you fall into this behavior, you are not doing something that is necessarily nonsensical. There is logical cohesion in this thought process, but the root of it is depression and a fear of failure. Depression, alongside similar personal issues, demands your attention well before you look to add another person into the mix. When you are unstable and uncomfortable with yourself and the way you live, no romantic relationship will provide you the solution and respite you desire (and deserve). You must be mindful that there is only one you and that you are still valued, loved, and desired without a romantic relationship. Determining your worth cannot come exclusively from others; you must love yourself, too.
If you want to be someone’s spouse, have children, and provide for your family’s needs (financially or otherwise), this all starts with you. If you aren’t okay, they aren’t okay because these things are reciprocal. How can you expect harmony and peace in your relationship and household when you’ve hardly addressed the discord within you?
It was not in order to start a thousand battles that you took a companion, a partner for your life, a free woman of equal honor with yourself.10
St. John Chrysostom
I’m not saying you need to have everything figured out. You do not need to have some intricate plan for your life and have all your goals made. You do not need to be on a perfect trajectory toward those goals. However, you need the wisdom and strength (which frankly only comes through some life experience) to overcome life’s challenges and endure difficulties with sobriety and humility. People do not desire perfect people; they desire honest people, honest with themselves and others. People want real relationships with real people, and nothing is genuine in remaining stuck in the mires of life, accepting failure, and giving up. If we cannot work out our own salvation11, there is no room for us to consider helping a partner pursue holiness. We cannot help put on another person’s oxygen mask until we first put on our own.
For some practical advice, consider the following:
Are you living with your parents or not functionally capable of living independently of them?
If you consider a relationship with someone, consider the possibility of it not working out (specifically in breaking up pre-marriage/engagement, not in any other sort of loss): will you lose all stability, or will you be able to withstand and continue living life, albeit with some expected tension until time heals? Can you return to singlehood and have the means to re-establish stability within yourself?
Are you stable enough to withstand and share in the struggles of your partner and the struggles that mutually come upon you?
Are you willing to help your partner pursue holiness? Are you carrying your cross (whatever that may be) as you are called to do, to the best of your ability?
If you answered negatively to any of these, it may be worth putting relationships on the shelf and evaluating why you believe this. If you aren’t ready, you aren’t, and that’s okay. You must learn to live enough to be reasonably secure within yourself. You must understand (to some extent) what it means to carry your cross and trust in God’s providence.
It’s okay to struggle and to be struggling; it is in this struggle that we find our salvation. You do not have to ultimately resolve your struggles to be ready to take on another person’s. Still, you need the experience of struggling to overcome these new challenges - for example, being able to separate the struggles of work from life outside of work, something that many of us struggle with regardless of relationship status.
Other practical advice:
Pray for wisdom and discernment. Many prayer books will have prayers for single people desiring a spouse.
Reduce your urgency in finding a partner. You’re more likely to encounter a potential spouse when you aren’t in an obsessive, active pursuit.
Ditch the apps and instead utilize matchmaking groups/forums. Infatuation is not a reliable foundation for a relationship; instead, build it on the tenets of the faith. It’s okay not to feel some deep emotion from your partner from the onset. Romantic feelings/attraction will come naturally with the proper foundation, mindset, and person.
Remember that people are not perfect. Lower your expectations. Seek someone seeking God and humble, not someone who doesn’t exist. Look for the beauty of the soul, not for the beauty of the flesh.
If you have the means, consider reading “On Marriage and Family Life,” a translation of some of Chrysostom’s homilies on the vocation. You can find these homilies online at New Advent or what have you, but I’ve found this translation quite poignant compared to ye olde renderings. Additionally, you could pick almost any Orthodox book on marriage (incl. marriage prep material) and derive valuable lessons from it. It’s good to know the expectations of the vocation before you conclude it’s God’s calling.
For those who struggle with lust and maybe seek the marriage vocation as a resolution, I highly recommend “From Object to Icon: The Struggle for Spiritual Vision in a Pornographic World,” which contains incredible insight into why we struggle with these things and a means to learning how to rewire ourselves, compared to many other modern resources on fighting the passion.
In conclusion
Marriage is a calling to mutual struggle, learning to live harmoniously with someone else and mutually carry another cross on top of our own. While there is no such thing as being perfect to someone (nor someone being perfect to you), the pursuit to be made perfect is what truly matters. You may have obstacles needing resolution before taking on another’s, but this does not guarantee that you won’t have similar difficulties within marriage. What matters is whether you have the perseverance, the resourcefulness, and the trust in God to see it through. It is important to remember that vocation is not some future thing; vocation for you exists now, as we are always called to holiness wherever we are. Seek God where you are now; let future worries be future worries.
Know that you are not alone in your plight. There are many in the same shoes as you and many who have overcome it, including yours truly. I encourage you to build a support network of trusted, level-headed people, both married and not, who can help provide perspective and keep you aligned, especially your spiritual father/parish priest.
Keep me in your prayers, and forgive me for any offense.
Special thanks to , Rdr. Brian Philip, , Katrina, Nicholas, Patrick, and my wife, , for reviewing the drafts before publishing.
Given ruffled feathers from some, I wish to note that this article is written primarily with the said community as the audience. I operate this community under the oversight of both a spiritual father and a confessor, who understand that part of the dynamic entails providing some degree of direction akin to a godparent (which I am). This article is an extension of that. I am no spiritual authority and certainly no substitute for a priest and spiritual father.
It’s worth noting that this concept is rooted in Jewish and Hindu folklore, Greek mythology, and New Age belief. This concept has no basis in the Christian faith and is not supported by Orthodox belief.
“Spiritual but not religious.”
i.e., the prosperity gospel movement
Something, something “leagues.”
This is not to say a celibate person must become a monastic.
“Non-Playable Character,” a meme that has arisen in the past few years to denote people like NPCs in video games: one-dimensional, flat, simple beings doing what they’re programmed to do.
“Involuntary celibates”
“Men Going Their Own Way,” a movement of radical gender separatism typically rooted in an extreme response to fourth-wave feminism, has a fair amount of overlap with the incel movements.
Chrysostom, John. On Marriage and Family Life. Translated by Catharine P. Roth, edited by David Anderson, St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1986. p. 88.
“Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” - Philippians 2:12-13 (RSV)